I know a lot of people aren’t happy with the choices I’ve made in my life recently. But I feel that if people understood why I’ve made those choices, they would realise I’m as unhappy about some of the things I do as they are. If not even more.
I can’t stop evaluating my life recently. Thinking about what matters most to me, what I feel like I’ve accomplished, what I hope to achieve, and what I know I can do better. Have you ever had one of those moments, like in Chicken Run : “me whole life flashed before me eyes”? Sometimes it’s not even a moment, it’s a day, or a week, or an hour. Whatever it is, when my whole life flashes before my eyes I don’t want to think “it were dead borin'” I want to know I did all I could and made the most of it.
I always want to make sure I’ve fought my hardest. I never want to give in and let anything beat me. No matter what happens, even if things don’t go the way I want, or how I plan, if at the end of it I can say I gave it my absolute best and I didn’t sit back and let fate take its course, then I’ll be happy. I want to grab life with both hands and make the most of it. I don’t want to sit at home and miss out on things because I’ll probably have to pay for it further down the line. I don’t want to stay in bed when I know I can roll right out, get dressed and face the day, smash whatever comes my way. Even if it’s a struggle, even if it feels like the hardest thing in the world, I know I have to do it. I probably sound like the most stubborn person, and in a way I think that’s a good thing. There’s a quote I love that says: When life gets more than you can stand, kneel. How can I expect to kneel down and pray for help when I’ve not given it my all? I can’t expect everything to be done for me, I have to try my best and then I know I will be helped with my shortfalls.
Even if I’m unhappy, I want to make others happy. I want to help make other people’s struggles and difficult days better. I’ve had so many people be the answer to my prayer. Have you ever got an unexpected phone call, or text, and it’s just what you need? I’ve had so many. I hate it when I get the feeling that I should talk to somebody and I put it off, only for that person to message me a day or two later and all I can say is “oh I’ve been meaning to message you!” Surely it would be so much better to be the message out of the blue for them, instead of having that little feeling of regret when you know you should have made contact first? Or what about those days when you really can’t face the day, you’ve got that Monday morning blues or something and you drag yourself to work, and there’s one person there who is going out of their way to help you, or even doesn’t do anything out of the ordinary but manages to make your day that little bit brighter? I love the feeling I get when I’ve felt like I’ve made a difference in somebody else’s day, when I’ve helped somebody in work that has been really busy, or when I’ve held someone’s hand that was worried or anxious, when I’ve been able to listen to somebody’s concerns and say “I’ve been there, I understand.” Service is meant to be selfless, but the more selfless service you give the more you are blessed. Try it, just try to brighten somebody else’s day without improving your own. You can’t do it. You will always feel better for it.
Family comes above everything. It’s old news to anyone who knows me or has read any of this blog, but I’ll say it again because it’s truer every day. I have been blessed with the most amazing family. I’m one of the lucky ones when it comes to family. I’m surrounded by them. We have 11 for dinner a lot of the time. My mum, dad, brother, sister, brother in law, nieces and nephew are the best. They are perfect for me. They do so much for me, they make me who I am, and support me through anything. We have extended family all around us. Just this evening we went for a meal with family and there was an entire section reserved for us, and we weren’t even all there, there was still people missing. It doesn’t matter how long we go without seeing each other, my family are the best. We fit right back in as if we hadn’t been apart. And who could forget my friends? After all they are the family we choose for ourselves right? I have the best friends ever. I have the perfect mix, they’re just the right amount mean, caring, loving, sarcastic, joking, and supportive to get me through anything! I class so many people as my friends, people from work, from growing up, from church, online friends, when someone has helped shape me into the person I am today, when you show me you care, worry about me, support me, encourage me, you’re my friend. There’s no getting rid of me. I never want to let my friends or my family down.
So aside from the fact that I’m stubborn, and that I don’t want to be “dead borin'”, I make my choices based on those points. I don’t want to let people down who invest so much into me, I don’t want to disappoint my family or friends. I want to help other people, I don’t want to sit and wallow in self pity or be a burden to anyone. And I want to give life my all, have all the experiences and try my absolute hardest to succeed, knowing that if I do this, I’ll be blessed to have life go the way it is supposed to, even if it’s not the way I want it to go. And it’s definitely true that life has thrown me some curveballs lately, but I’ve stuck at it, and I feel that I can hold my head high and say I’ve faced it in the best way I know how.